Toddler Etiquette

Attention toddlers! Not sure how to handle certain situations? Baffled about the easiest way to get things done? Here are some tips to help you out, from your resident expert Samuel:

1. If you are unable to get a tiny part of a toy truck to stay up or down, you could politely ask your mom for help. OR you could scream and flail your body around and say "YOU do it Mommy!"

2. If you are given the option of wearing red shorts or blue shorts, you could thoughtfully consider the choices and then pick one. OR you could scream "no shorts! I want to be naken (naked)" and then run down the hall with no shorts on.

3. When your mom gives you a 2-minute warning before bed, that is THE best time to suggest some long activity like watching an entire movie, or taking the playdough out. When your parents don't like your suggestion, scream and flail your body around until they are forced to pick you up and carry you upstairs.

4. Limit the number of foods you eat to 5 or less. It's really fun for your parents to think of new interesting things to serve you, and then watch you say "blehhhh" (or "no thank you" if you are feeling particularly polite) and then end up giving you yogurt for dinner, and your new interesting food to Bella.

5. When you see your toddler girlfriend at school or church (after you have been asking nonstop if she will be there), the best way to get her attention is to roll around on the floor like a dog.

6. The only time you should suggest sitting on the potty yourself is after your parents say it's time to get out of the bathtub and go to bed. Your mom and dad will never figure out that you are just stalling. Try to get an M&M every time, too, even if you don't actually pee in the potty.

7. People don't like to use the bathroom by themselves. They might tell you they do, but ignore them. If you see a bathroom door closed and know someone is in there, bang on the door as hard as you can and demand to be let in. Once you are let in, grab anything sharp and dangerous you see and claim it for your own. Offer your parents M&Ms if they have successfully used the potty. If they decline, graciously say that you'll eat the M&M for them.

8. If there is some kind of expensive shiny object on the table, do everything you can to get it. If your mom moves it up to a higher spot, get a chair and try to reach it. Once you get it, press all the buttons as fast as you can, before it gets taken away. Then scream "MY ________" (fill in the blank here with camera, computer, field journal, cell phone, etc...) over and over.

9. The best time to play in your parents' bed is after it has been made in the morning. Just ignore your mom as she tries to put the blankets back on the bed. It's more fun to throw them on the floor multiple times and then jump on them. This is especially fun when morning starts at 5:30 am.

10. If you try to tell someone something and they do not understand your unique toddler speech, you could politely repeat yourself. OR you could say the same exact thing, but LOUDER and ANGRIER, while stomping your feet on the floor. If you had a Hawaiian shirt and multiple cameras around your neck you could pass as a mini tourist.

11. Fixate on one TV show or movie. Refuse suggestions of anything else to watch, even if your parents get something really good from the library for you. The optimal number of times to watch the movie Cars is 2 million. Only when everyone in your house, including the dog, knows all the lines of the movie is it time for something different.